Your Existence

I have to take a pill every day to keep me from not being sad. I wouldn’t say it keeps me happy as such,  but just takes the edge of that crippling negativity which makes everything seem futile.

I wonder how I have become this person. Was I always like this? I look at my father and see an introverted, anxious man, plagued by existential angst, yesterdays regrets and fears of tomorrow.  I hear him speak of his own father and a pattern starts to form. I wonder if genes are involved.

I recall being a lonely child, making my own games in the playground.

Now I am an adult, I have a good job, friends and a family that love me. But….

Another long-term relationship lies in the dust behind me. Why is it that despite having wonderful friends and a loving family it seems this one relationship that evades me is the one that causes me most frustration.

I feel out of sorts, like I’m marking time. I’ve recently been working too hard and I’ve let slip doing the things that keep me peaceful: meditation, exercise, music. But these things have started to feel like distractions, something to fill up my time to distract me from the hollow sound of my own existence.

I used to feel like I was making a difference to the world through my job, but I don’t feel that and more. It seems as significant as gardening at the moment.

I find it so hard to focus on the good things I have. How lucky I am to be alive, physically healthy, a roof over my head, having food to eat. I know I am lucky. I just feel weighed down.

I wonder what would happen if I just stopped. I mean, if I just gave up trying. I’ve experienced such calm though meditation i sometimes wonder whether I shouldn’t just stay there. That’s the goal of meditation after all- to get to the point where you are just being. Can you even have a goal of meditation?

I need to step off again and walk barefoot through the grass and just have time to mediate and play my guitar. And maybe someone might look at me with soft, kind, understanding eyes, and fold me in their arms and I won’t have to keep going on my own.

 

 

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